So, I took on life today and life kicked my ass. It was like a novel in a 12 hour period. I laughed, I cried, I made someone else laugh, I made someone else cry. I was on time and I was late. I made a stranger smile and I made a stranger tell me to f**k off. There were villains and a hero. I realized my life is empty and full of holes, and then it hit me, I am blessed and loved. What a day to say the least. There is a true story behind each statement above. Want deets? Ask away! Did life kick your ass today? Even though it did mine, I rest my head tonight blessed, simply cause I was in it! Praise God with all my smiles and tears today.
Just cried my eyes out to my T and told her everything going on with my sponsor and friends leaving me and all against me right now. She assured me again that she wasn't going anywhere. And still cares very much and told us how touched she was from our email telling her about how special she is to us and that she is an unaware light in our life and how much she means to us and we talked about safety plan for the next 2 days and then basically worked on the good bye for the day...always hard to leave her. Seeing her again Friday!! Can't wait cause she has a great basket of toys ;)
So yup that's my life right now...off again lost and alone...watching as people keep quickly dropping out of my life. My heart hurts so much. Loss is hard at any level, anytime it happens. Losing my sponsor in my life has been the biggest hit I have taken in a long time. On a side note...I am excited about my new 34 year old wrinkles! Yahooo!!! Now come on grey hair...let's get on with this already! ~Side Note Of Side Note: Sarcasm to get on with life, ya know...yeah... I don't know my head is as messed up and unorganized as this entry. Trying to figure out if I am empty from loss or lightened of the weight it all brought to us as a whole system. The hardest part is Tracey (9) is missing him so much...she is so sad inside and angry and scared cause he is gone now. He was the only man on the planet that she felt safe with, that she trusted. The only man that could touch her. We for a moment in time were Daddy's Little Girl and thank him that for always. Love You and Will Miss You In My Life....it's harder cause you still breath, I know you are physically still here and I can't be apart of you but know for eternity you will always be a part of me. You can never take away the memories that made me feel loved so many time when we were together. Those are what I am choosing to hold on to in hope that I can be strong enough to get to the other side of this all. Sorry I have not written lately, it has been tough.
UPDATE SOON! May write an entry tonight. whatever, whatever, whatever!!
I hate you, you hate me, yet here we sit together comfortabley.... Leave me alone, let me go what I feel inside? Ha, you'll never know... Don't think of me and please don't care cause when you turn around I will no longer be there. you said give you a call, never chance it alone and i will most likely sit and cut to the bone yup you heard me, I am a cutter who cuts my skin i dont know any other way to let things in feelings are too big me for to handle deep inside so instead of trying it will you, just gonna say goodbye i dont fucking need you, not for a second of my day think i never did this before i got my own ways they may not be the way you do but ask if i give a shit i got my own tools on my lap, sitting in this kit tried to do it for you all but right now i am hearing Gods call he is calling out to me to saY i am right where i shoud be i want to scream, I want to cry but most of all i want to die dont let this shock your little minded ass, this is a result from my horrid past there is a difference between feelings and thoughts wish you could get that but I guess not I am so tireed of feeling bad, spending much of my time feeling sad i am beginnning to wonder if i deserve any help for what was done this life and all around me is no longer any fun the pain keeps piecing into my soul and killing me a bit each time but people think the plan i live is purly just mine someone just interupted and now i dont know what the fuck to say thank God its almost over and I can begin another day........ This was a speed writing vent that i did in 60 secs no editing, no stopping..... I am thinking about the concept of the horrific events in my life not being my fault. Could there be truth to this, are we maybe not to blame for it?!?! And thinking about how much we have cried over the last couple days and how healing that is. It has taken off some of the pressure we feel inside and also talking with Safety Queen and how last session went with her and Tracey and trying to take that all in. She said Tracey drew a picture for her and she doesn't know if it is a good idea to show me or not. Feels that it may be too soon too fast. And so I am thinking all those curious thoughts of what it is about and what she drew. Got to have a phone session with Safety Queen yesterday after she was away for awhile she thought it may be a good idea to touch base for an hour or so on the phone we talked for an hour and she was proud that I had a list of things prepared and numbered them in order of importance. Of course we didn't get to all 5 things on the list but we talked a great deal about Tracey as she was there at last session. It was quite the session as Tracey decided not to talk to her with her voice, so the session was spent with Safety Queen trying again to learn sign. Tracey found this quite amusing. Listening to Safety Queen talk about Tracey and the session left me feeling kinda weird. The connection SQ has with Tracey can leave me angry sometimes. SQ seems to smile bright when she talks of her. And then I am reminded, we are one of many parts and she smiles big about me too. Hmm, not so sure about that. Then she told me Tracey took and played with a toy. This was huge as Tracey is afraid to play. This to me shows trust we have towards SQ and that made me smile big. There was much more squeezed into this 60mins but I will leave it there for now or this could be a mini novel. I will say after our chat yesterday my day today feels a little stronger and hopeful knowing we get to see her this Friday.
Going full speed.....super fast...better slow down or I'm bound to crash...........
Today was literally my last session with "Meeka" my T for over 4 and a half years. It is sad and was so very hard to say goodbye. We were both in tears as i left her office turning around to ask. "Meeka, will you ever forget me?" she replied "You, my dear are unforgettable. And I will always keep a piece of Bethie with me, right here." *touches her heart. OMGosh I am so crying right now. We went over the last few years as best we could in a short hour. Our last hour together. I felt so proud and she was proud of me for making it through the transition from her to Safety Queen, my current T. She helped me find her and remained with me from time to time the last few months as I settled in with my new safe place in Safety Queen. She drew me a butterfly to have in my collection on a card to hold onto always. *tears falling hard.
I will miss her so much. I have settled quite nicely in my place with Safety Queen but closing this part of my recovery is proving quite difficult. I cannot believe I will no longer sit in that office and share my most deep and inner thoughts with the first person to understand and dedicate her life to DID. She has helped me figure out many of my parts and who they are. ~Okay gotta stop thinking of this for now and hard to see the screen through the tears. So, I have learned that Tracey (9) was the one who took us there, to that horrible place.
My therapist and others have helped me figure some things out. Not everything but I get the overall idea of what is going on. Tracey feels like no one sees her and that we don't believe what has happened to her. She also feels like I, Valynn don't believe that that place is real and that it didn't all happen. I do know that place is real. I just don't want to know everything that has happened. I know I will have to think it and feel it and work through it in order for all of us to heal. But it is so scared and I don't feel ready. I was so angry with Tracey for doing this but I am starting to take it in and understand why. Knowing why does not make it less painful or easy to face. Looks like therapy will be quite intense over the next little while. Feeling the fear and doing it anyways. I can see how brave it was for Tracey to go there and then admit to someone that it was her and why. I think I struggle so much of course cause it is I who is attached personally to these places and feelings and events. Anyways feel like I am rambling but I am trying to still take this all in and process it all as well. | Beautiful HandfulThis blog is a personal expression of what I have been through, go through and hope for as victim to survivor to thriver.  ArchivesNovember 2012 CategoriesAll |
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